First-Date Fixes

Proposed solutions to real women’s first date worries.

You have a first date. He’s cute in a chess-club-turned-ibanker type of way (i.e. he’s recently hot and wears a belt). You are pretty sure you’re never going to be able to love him, but you keep telling your friends he has “potential” and then launch into unprompted monologues about how the truest love is the love you grow into. Yet even without the expectation that he will light your pants on fire (in a sexy way, not a medical or criminal way), you are extremely nervous for your date. When you think about tonight, in fact, the anxiety is similar to when you remember you didn’t wash your feet as you’re driving to the gynecologist, and you are pretty nervous about them smelling.

Why do you feel this way? What exactly are you worried about? Surely it’s not smelling. There’s soap for that. What is keeping you from feeling, at the very least, excited about the glass of “house wine” you probably won’t have to pay for?

The First Date: Worries & Testimonies

The first date is one of those rare things that we want oh, so badly — the fantasy, the romance, the rounding of bases — but then, once it arrives, we worry. A lot. After some serious reflection on the matter I realize that, pre-date, I am not bothered by the possibility that he might not like me. Nor am I concerned with the fact that going to dinner with an almost-stranger brings with it all sorts of safety blindspots. I’m not actually worried about any of the very real things I should be worried about at all. I’m too busy using all my mental/emotional space stressing that it will be awkward.

Which begs the question: am I really worried about the date (i.e. the things that make it a date and not a hangout, interview, etc.) at all? Or — at my core — am I just dreading an unfamiliar social interaction? And am I an anomaly, and are most women worried about a date’s romantic success i.e. getting a second date? Or, like me, are their worries circulating around a fear of sitting in an uncomfortable situation for the requisite hour?

So, like any good journalist, I took it to the field. Here are the responses I got from some of my favorite women when I texted them: “What are your biggest worries before a first date?”

Sheila

René

Chloë

Leah

Samantha

Now, I like to help. So — after some serious thought and even more serious research — I have compiled a list of “fixes” I hope will alleviate some of the above fears.

First-Date Fixes

The Steve Jobs Fix:

Only date men in Silicon Valley who are so busy trying to be Steve Jobs, they will see their best-self reflected in your turtleneck, and fall instantly in love.

The Coin Collection Fix:

When faced with a man whose passion lies in collecting the useless half of our currency, rejoice! You are the first woman he has ever been on a date with. You can basically behave any which way you want — you’re now the sample for women everywhere, abuse it.

The Unaligned Appetite Fix:

This is easy. If he does not want to order appetizers he’s clearly trash. Walk away from the table and directly into the kitchen, and tell all the chefs how narrowly you just escaped an emotional dead-end.

The Safety-Exit Fix:

Only agree to first dates on airplanes. They very thoroughly demonstrate which exact openings you can parachute out of in case of emergency.

The Ted Bundy Fix:

Unfortunately, I’m particularly susceptible to the charms of unusually handsome men. As a result, I just prepare — financially, emotionally, existentially — to have every date be the end. If you, like me, frequently find yourself on dates with men whose names you forgot to ask for, go ahead, order that Dirty Shirley. It’s quite possibly your last.

Wasted Blowout Fix:

Venmo request a “maintenance” charge from your date as soon as you get his phone number. Depending on how bold you are this should cover at least part of your pre-date glam-up.

The Conversation Stall Fix:

Establish early on whether or not you both like Coen Brother’s movies. Then, when you find yourself at a potential romance-ruining stand-still, bring up Fargo.

The Sweaty Face/Palms Fix:

When applied, these fixes guarantee at least a B- time. Which is, you have to admit, not a bad score if he is in fact a practicing murderer.

In Summary

In the quest for love, there is no such thing as doing it wrong except not doing it at all. The only way you are guaranteed to fuck up is if you let your pre-first-date nerves get the best of you and keep you inside. Don’t do that. With your personality? It would be a shame, it really would.

The great news about all bad first dates is that there will always be an opportunity to try again, with someone else. We should really be worrying about last dates with people we actually like. Those are the ones that have the power to really knock you on your ass. So my suggestion to you? Don’t worry until you’ve gone on at least four successful dates with a person. Then, on the fifth date, worry to the point of self-sabotage. There’s a lot at stake.